Written in 2020, Jan 5. 5 days before my 23rd birthday
Hey Clear, how are you?
You waited until all the places in the world entered 2020 and then spent 13 hours on the first day of the new year in the air.
You write down “2019” as you get used to. Quickly realizing it’s 2020 already, you cross it out and put the right year on the paper, feeling a little weird. Last night when everyone is posting his/her New York resolutions, you don’t have an urge to do.
Or to say, you don’t have the emotions to post anything on social media. You spent your last night in 2019 with your favorite three female friends during the day and with your parents at night. No one, even yourself, needed to please and to listen.
But the new heading of 2020 reminds you time is somewhat pushing you to start a new beginning.
In the previous three days of jet lag, I slept around 8 pm and woke up around 4 am. The feeling of sadness (natural response) arrives the minute I open my eyes in the dark. And it quickly disappears and turns into numbness for the rest of the day. I took a nap, left my apartment at 9 am, and sat again in the café shop because I need the noise the stimulant.
Two girls are chatting excitedly next to me, in a typically American way (exaggerate and elaborate facial expressions, voices, and gestures. And of course, they just want “a small coffee with oat milk.” I love it SO~ MUCH~) To be honest, along with the sun comes up, their energy lights me up. See? How important is it to have some energetic friends? At least I want to join their conversation and laugh aloud.
OK, ok. I need some social connections. Days of jet lag and over-brought groceries made me trapped in my apt alone. And behind that, is the fear of continuing your journey as a mental health professional. Even though I don’t want to confine myself to that title but right now it’s something I need to keep working on. And intuitively, I feel my healing almost comes to an end (with no urge to go back to misery) so I no longer have an excuse to run away from it.
Last year, especially last semester I have grown so much. Take Frozen as an example. If to say four years undergrad is Let it go, then graduate is Into the Unknown. When I watched Frozen 2 in New York with Brittany, seeing Elsa heading to the unknown island on the sea, with the music Face Yourself, my tears fell off immediately. At that moment, I identified my growth as Elsa’s journey.
My 2019 can be split into three parts. The word for my first 4 months is ending. I decided my graduate school, took two theatre classes, loved my marketing 370 team (cannot believe we could still meet in New York), and said goodbye to Austin (finally went to Oasis, Lady Bird Lake, and 360 Bridge). Therefore, I felt like a tourist going back during the Columbus holiday (Texas is truly weird compared to New York). The word for my summer is Exotic. I went to Milan, took fashion styling classes (totally not what I expected), and understood the culture of Dolce far niente (the sweetest of doing nothing) mentioned in Eat, Pray, Love. It further confirmed I am born to work until death and Italy can only be top in my vacation list. And the word for my last 4 months is cloudy. Emotions like clouds overwhelm and transform continuously. I put most of my energy into managing and accepting. Also, the clouds are in the sky. I become more and more interested in spirituality and more to accept to unpredictable human nature.
Today is January 5th. Five days from New Year’s Day and five days from my 23rd birthday, which will be spent in Puerto Rico, another place of wonder and illumination.
I’m so glad that at the end of age 22, I can honor my passion for writing and respect other people’s lives and trust their decisions. At age 23, I think I will still be in the healing process and start to think about the boundary concept more seriously.
One thing undoubtedly is with more and more self-imposed shackles influenced by cultures and experiences fell off my shoulder, I am experiencing a broader concept of freedom. And it’s time to practice self-discipline as Mr. Scott Peck said in his The Road Less Travelled.
Clear, please continue to be vulnerable and authentic to people. Please continue to courageous and curious about the world. Don’t pretend to be someone else because it’s meaningless. You are who you are. You crave to be understood finally by someone, but it won’t happen until you try to understand others first.
I wish you all the best and wish your friends, your family the best.
You have to let go of your impatience to possess and understand that your value is from being someone’s girlfriend, someone’s’ wife, someone’s mother… but from yourself. Only then you will get relived, to express yourself, experience, understand, and test. Only seeing through the road under your feet can you find the companion going the same way — the true admiration comes not from that you want to possess, but from that he/she seeing you walk freely, develops the desire and looks forward to going with you. Simply push the boat with the current and you two go together. You know the road you go, the person you are; you removed your burdens so you can start to appreciate the world. — Bocai
“当你卸下要占有的急躁，明白自己的价值不是来自于变成某个谁的女朋友，谁的妻子，谁的母亲……而是来自于自己本身，你才会痛快地长舒一口气，去为自己表达，经历，理解，论证。看清自己脚下的路，才能找到真正顺路的伙伴 — — 真正的爱慕，本来就不是因为自己想占有什么，而是他看见你自在行走的样子，油然产生了同去同去的念头和憧憬。大家顺水推舟，一路前行，你知道路在哪里，你知道自己是谁，你卸下了锁链，你可以好好欣赏这个世界。” — — 菠菜
